What is Marriage?

I'm getting married soon, and that could mean something different to every person I tell that too.  I recently discussed with a co-worker about how difficult it is to establish a mutual understanding of what marriage means, so in the spirit of creating a better understanding of what I'll be doing I want to express what marriage means to me, as well as putting forth some general ideas that may be useful to anyone in understanding the concept of marriage.

Often marriage is is equated with lifelong commitment, but I think there's a better way to understand marriage.  Marriage is a commitment that  goes beyond the couple.  It's when two people make a commitment not only to one another but to a third party.  The details of who or what that third party is define the greater details of what marriage means to them.

If we marry with a government, it largely means they now have an array of legal rights regarding each other, and that they cannot fully dissolve their relationship without consent returning to a representative of the government.  Often the third party will often be God or a church, which introduces a spiritual element into the relationship.  This lends important understanding about marriage because it goes beyond being committed to one another.

Yes, many people are committed and plan to spend their whole lives together without ever needing to get married.  That's one choice, people can also choose to express this through marriage.  I feel that marriage is an option we employ when we feel the need to elevate our relationship above the two (or sometimes more) people in it.  Marriage is a declaration that we are not only committing ourselves to another, but to the betterment of our society, our people, or our God.

I'm getting married because I want the benefits granted by government and God.  I want to be with my wife for this life and the next.  I want to be recognized as one who cares for her and has entwined his life with hers, in finances, health, and the search for spiritual salvation and perfection.  I want her to know I won't leave her, and have the guarantee not only of my words but a contract with greater powers to which I will have to go if I ever did.  I want to work with her to better ourselves and the world in which we live.

Waiting

"Patience is a virtue," everyone says.  Often one hears a response along the lines, "Yes, but it's one I don't have."  I feel like this response misses the mark terribly and perpetuates the foolhardy idea that our virtues (or vices, often) are just something we are born with and will end up living life according to.  It undermines the idea that we humans are free and have the power to act for ourselves, debasing man to nothing more than an animal, or even the earth, water, air, or other elements of nature.  Since, as you may have noticed, the author finds this idea somewhat repugnant he will often retort with something like, "And we must learn to develop virtues."

Patience is, or at least is often perceived to be, how we handle waiting.  Do we sit quietly, do we fidget, do we pace up and down?  There has been an odd change recently that has caused us to think many things should happen instantaneously.  When I worked as a camp counselor the employee use computers were very obsolete and of course ran quite slowly.  Rather than disparaging the frustrating situation I came to refer to these as the "Zen computers."  I try to take this sort of attitude toward a lot of waiting; standing in a line, downloading a webpage, or standing at the bus stop can be great opportunities to think and observe our thinking.

Often waiting frustrates us because we feel such a drive to get our next task finished or such desire to have whatever we'll get after the wait.  I've had to adjust lately to some of these feelings myself.  I recently changed from a company that would give me a weekly paycheck to one that pays every two weeks.  This means I have to wait longer when I want to make a payment on my student loans, credit card, rent, cable bill, or anything else.  I've had to do slightly more planning ahead, but the bigger deal is becoming comfortable with things the way they are until I have the resources to change them.  I think this is the greater principle here.  Often we get frustrated, aggravated, or just plain angry when we're forced to wait because it's such a clear signal that there's something we can't control.  Facing our limitations is always humbling, and many don't wish to be humbled.

Lately I've also been waiting to get married.  This has been one of the most interesting experiences I've had in learning to wait.  I feel such deep desire toward my beloved as well as a certain sense that I won't be taking the next step in my life until the wedding day has come.  I'm learning a lot when about enjoying the experiences I'm having even while wanting so much more.  I think this is what we're really seeking when we talk about learning delayed gratification.

It's easy to view waiting as something onerous and obnoxious.  It's common to equate a wait with a difficulty.  I think waiting is a great way to learn, especially about ourselves.  Know thyself, the saying goes, and while doing things is important we also need to take time to get to know ourselves in a more intimate setting.  Waiting is a great way to do that.