Sacred Sexuality

"Give not that which is holy unto the dogs, neither cast ye your pearls before swine." taught Jesus in the sermon on the mount. Casting pearls before swine is one of those phrases that floats around today but is seldom given the consideration it deserves. On my mission I felt like I was walking a precarious line between sharing the gospel and casting pearls before swine.  But anyway I'm not writing now to talk about sharing the gospel. I've wanted to write for some time on sex, and this scripture came to mind when thinking what to write.

Sacred sexuality is one of those new-age sounding things that usually gets thrown around by those that want to talk about how great sex is.  That somewhat more snide than I intended remark aside, I think sacred sexuality is entirely real.  Sex is something sacred, and that's why in my life it's reserved for marriage (which is also holy).  Often in Christian circles the holiness of sex is directly related to the ability to bear children, and while I think we should hold the same gravitas for the acts of creating life as we do to destroying it I don't feel that this is what makes sex something holy.

So what is it that makes sex sacred, then?  The words sacred and holy both derive from the idea of setting something apart, reserving something for a higher purpose, or dedicating something to a greater cause.  Sex for me is something reserved for marriage.  That imbues it with the high purpose of strengthening marital bonds and by extension the family.  That makes sex a way to study selflessness and caring for another (without abnegating one's own needs or desires in the process).

I own a book of erotic myths and legends and read one together with my wife the other night.  The one we read was (perhaps a little bit surprisingly) rather tame with almost no mention of sex but rather an extended poetic meditation on love, longing, desire, loss, and union.  Although when reading we might have been looking to partake together in something a little more saucy, I'll also say I actually really liked this little legend of a lover comforting himself that his "beloved other" was not truly lost because they had become one soul.  Sex is a part of that, and that makes it sacred.

A Personal Oddity of Emotional Expression

I'm a scientist.  I'm not a poet, an artist, writer, or orator.  Well, I think there's a pretty convincing case to be made that mathematics and seeing the beauty of nature in the laws that govern it have artistic merit, I'm at least an amateur writer (I have, like I suspect many do, a few beginnings to books, short stories, or articles), and am actually a pretty decent public speaker (though maybe not anymore, I haven't really done any public speaking for quite a while), but I'm speaking here to my outlook on the world and my communication with others and a scientific outlook has strongly influenced these aspects of who I am.  There's two things that I find especially influenced by this background; objectivity and concern for clarity.

I explain that so I can explain this, it's very difficult and a little odd for me to tell my wife I love her.  Not because I don't, I'm madly in love with her.  Not because I think there's anything wrong or strange about it either, but because it's so hard to know what I'm saying.  Often when we are sitting in our apartment together I let those words, "I love you," sum things up, hoping that my feelings are transmitted correctly.  In other moments though, when I want to expound on what that means, on the way I'm excited by her beautiful form, the softening spark in me of her amazing smile, the joy I take in her fun personality, or the deep passion when I notice how well read and thoughtful she is, I don't know what to say.

One thing is I feel like I've said it all before, and I hate repetition.  Rather, perhaps, I know that expressing something in a new way is more powerful than repeating something you've heard before.  Heard enough times anything can seem clichéd.  How many different ways are there to say, "You're beautiful and I'm very attracted to you," though?  I have a fairly formidable vocabulary, but still there are only so many synonyms for beautiful, happy, and love that one can use meaningfully.

Often, and bear with me through the cheesiness of this statement, words seem inadequate.  I can tell how I'm feeling, but how do I express that?  And moreover, when I feel something so powerfully, how do I express that with equal power?  If I'm to be clear in communicating my feelings, what do I do when I feel something which seems more potent than the words I've been using.  Moments where recognition of all her glorious beauty flares up in a way that I guess I've felt before, but certainly feels new and exhilarating surely can't be expressed in a simple, "You're so pretty/beautiful/stunning/gorgeous/sexy," when I've already said that many times before, ¿can they?

I've mentioned before that I have a certain emotional austerity.  That doesn't mean I don't feel strongly, I do. It does mean I usually hold off on expressing what I feel, and moreover that when I do I try to strengthen what I say about those feelings in an alloy of emotion, thought, reason, possibly evidence, and probably sources.  I can't really do that when I express my love for my wife.  I know it's my subjective experience, I know that it's the way I feel, heck I even have an idea of some of the neurochemistry and cerebral circuitry that's powering and processing it, but still my love is real, and I want to let her know that.  I'm learning a lot as I learn how to say it.

What is Marriage?

I'm getting married soon, and that could mean something different to every person I tell that too.  I recently discussed with a co-worker about how difficult it is to establish a mutual understanding of what marriage means, so in the spirit of creating a better understanding of what I'll be doing I want to express what marriage means to me, as well as putting forth some general ideas that may be useful to anyone in understanding the concept of marriage.

Often marriage is is equated with lifelong commitment, but I think there's a better way to understand marriage.  Marriage is a commitment that  goes beyond the couple.  It's when two people make a commitment not only to one another but to a third party.  The details of who or what that third party is define the greater details of what marriage means to them.

If we marry with a government, it largely means they now have an array of legal rights regarding each other, and that they cannot fully dissolve their relationship without consent returning to a representative of the government.  Often the third party will often be God or a church, which introduces a spiritual element into the relationship.  This lends important understanding about marriage because it goes beyond being committed to one another.

Yes, many people are committed and plan to spend their whole lives together without ever needing to get married.  That's one choice, people can also choose to express this through marriage.  I feel that marriage is an option we employ when we feel the need to elevate our relationship above the two (or sometimes more) people in it.  Marriage is a declaration that we are not only committing ourselves to another, but to the betterment of our society, our people, or our God.

I'm getting married because I want the benefits granted by government and God.  I want to be with my wife for this life and the next.  I want to be recognized as one who cares for her and has entwined his life with hers, in finances, health, and the search for spiritual salvation and perfection.  I want her to know I won't leave her, and have the guarantee not only of my words but a contract with greater powers to which I will have to go if I ever did.  I want to work with her to better ourselves and the world in which we live.

Love Day By Day

My fiancée and I met with a friend of mine recently and in retelling how we met it was noted that the story wasn't, "love at first sight."  As deeply in love with my bride to be as I am it did cause me to wonder a bit.  I do think there was some initial attraction between us way back then, but ultimately I agree there was no falling in love head over heels upon laying eyes one on the other.  As I look back on our relationship it's grown over time, slowly and gradually.  We don't have love at first sight, but we have what I'm calling love day by day.

Love day by day is that understated love that's expressed between two folks consistently and sincerely.  It's us saying our daily "I love you"s and wanting to spend time with each other.  It's trying to find ways to make the other person happy.  I could go on, but don't wish to belabor readers with a sappy list.  Going back and reading over this I'm almost getting a little snide myself.

I would like to discuss the triangular theory of love, though.  It floats around in relationship advice, therapy, and books and promotes the idea of love primarly being made up of intimacy, passion, and commitment. Intimacy and commitment without passion is friendship, and other combinations can define other relationships.  I'm prone to a certain measure of emotional austerity and suspect it would be difficult for me to ever feel "love at first sight", but from the descriptions I believe it to be a magnificent burst of passion toward another.  A couple can feel this and then grow in intimacy and commitment to match the passion they feel, and I hope those who live giving their feelings greater quarter than I do do so.

That said, love day by day is based around commitment.  It's commitment that comes easily because we feel intimate and passionate about one another.  Commitment is a powerful concept, and - likely due to the aforementioned emotional austerity - I feel more important for a relationship than passion.  Being dedicated to another is what will allow one to break down their barriers and their pride and allow themselves to be vulnerable in the unnerving depths of intimacy.  I've always belived passion and physical affection in particular should represent a deeper commitment, and as such I've become more passionate toward my fiancée as I've committed more and more to her.  Commitment lasts beyond hurt feeling and dull days, and I'll gladly live without love at first sight, as long as I have love day by day.

Torn between two loves

Today is the release of Mass Effect 3. Like most major modern video games it costs $60 new, or $80 for the collector's edition. I haven't purchased it, though I absolutely love the series and can't wait to play the latest installment. My mom pointed out earlier that I do have the money. I still have some money in my bank account and credit on my credit card. I could buy it, but I'm saving my money for something else. Specifically, I'm saving for someone else.

I started dating a long time friend on new years day. The near 400 miles separating us are frustrating. We'd like to be together, but she lives in Salt Lake city and I'm in Denver. There's not much tying me down here, though. I'm planning to move once I have enough money to pay my student loans and other basic costs of living until I can find a job (which, after seeking full time work for about a year I worry will be quite a while).

So, I find myself torn between two loves. Many reading this might find my love for a video game frivolous or even downright foolish, so let me defend my already scorned love. The Mass Effect series continues developer Bioware's traditional of strong, character driven, intelligent writing. As discussed here, the game has raised questions about the nature of life and what it is that makes us who we are. It's been called the Star Trek of our generation, and I dare say that's correct. It's an original and epic space opera, in an unfortunate age where well written fiction, let alone science fiction, often loses out to the latest iteration of milf island, some dude dates fifteen women, or watch the train wrecks when it comes to entertainment. Mass effect is one of the games elevating the medium of gaming, a hobby I feel is at least capable of being very uplifting and intellectually engaging but is so often maligned (and not always unfairly) as being a waste of time at best or a mind distorting influence of evil at worst. Mass Effect enriches things I enjoy (science fiction and video games) by adding to worthwhile examples, and its success is a proof to those who finance entertainment that intelligent video games and well written sci-fi make money.

My love for my girlfriend is somewhat less easy to explain, but many more have written about love of a woman than love of a video game so I probably don't need to belabor that point. I've chosen to save what I can to hasten a long term reunion of me and my beloved. I can only hope that I'll be able to earn enough to actually go through with the move, and work hard enough to make it worth it when I get there.